LawyerWorldLand

THE AENEID IN A NUTSHELL

2008-07-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

I am ever so glad to be reading the Aeneid without some wart-encrusted old squid of a schoolteacher rapping me on the hand with her long bony finger and demanding to know how many pages I have read.

I don't speak Latin, so I'm reading the Mandelbaum translation. Fagles gives me a headache and Dryden rhymes and gives me two headaches. You, lucky reader, won't have a headache at all. Here it all is, summarized: Virgil (about 70 B.C.-20 B.C. or so) made easy.

When they had birthday parties in B.C., did they have fewer candles each year?

VIRGIL'S AENEID

PART I

TROJANS: All the Greeks are gone! We win!

A VOICE: Hey, look at that great big wooden horse!

ANOTHER VOICE: Cool! Let's drag it in here!

VOICE 3: I don't like this.

VOICES 1 & 2 (unison): Shut up.

SOUND OF RUMBLING WOODEN WHEELS

LATER:

TROJANS: ARRGGGH! HELP! OW! HEY! THERE WERE GREEKS IN THERE! ARGHHH! They are burning Troy and butchering our children and carrying off our women!

Voice 3: Toldja.

PART II.

AENEAS: The Greeks didn't get me! I got away!

VENUS: That's because you have to go found Rome.

AENEAS: Awww, Mom, geez. You're always making me do stuff.

PART III.

AENEAS: Just a few more years of sailing the seas and killing monsters and we'll get to Italy and found Rome.

CREW: Lunch!

AENEAS: Hey, look! A city! A BIG city!

CREW: We want lunch!

AENEAS: I got an idea. Let's go get some lunch!

CREW: Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!

LATER

AENEAS: You must be Dido, Queen of Carthage. Can we get some lunch?

DIDO (looking AENEAS up and down): Come into this cave with me so that we can discuss it.

AENEAS: 'Nkay.

[Hot moans, gasps, squeals and grunts begin echoing from cave]

CREW (shouting and interrupting each other): Hurry up in there! It's late! Lunch! Bet he's getting some lunch! Haw! Shut up, you fool! etc.

PART IV

DIDO: Wow, all this time has passed and you are still a great fuck! How do you like your robe and jeweled sceptre?

AENEAS: Well, the accessories are great, but I have to go found Rome.

DIDO: WHAT! What would you rather do, found Rome or stay here with me?

AENEAS: Oh, I'd much rather stay here with you, but the Gods won't let me. 'Bye.

LATER

DIDO: I can't believe Aeneas has done this to me. There is only one thing that a dignified and powerful Queen and ruler and administrator of a great city-state can do.

SUBJECTS: What?

DIDO: Kill herself.

[Sound of body hitting floor]

NEXT: Aeneas goes to the Underworld to have a word with his dad. He sees Dido in the hall but she ignores him like he's just, like, nothing.

GOOGLE PRIVACY FAQ

2008-07-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

1. So it's true? Google keeps everybody's Googles on file? Sure, but only for a short time.

2. How short? Only 18 months.

3. That's not a short time! How do you protect my privacy? We are very strict about that. We don't associate any of your searches with your IP address or any other identifying information.

4. That's good. So how do you find my searches? We use your Social Security number.

5. Oh. Why? Sometimes we need to get information. This can be for a wide variety of reasons, such as the President wants us to.

6. Why would he want to do that? None of your business, 434-90-9099. Although maybe it might have something to do with these medical records of yours.

7. Those are private! You give them to me, you bastards! Ewwww! You had a rectal exam! Gross!

THE DECLARATION TRANSLATED

2008-07-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

Here, in full, is H.L. Mencken's 1921 translation of the Declaration of Independence into American English. (Warning: It is most highly un-PC.)

WHEN things get so balled up that the people of a country got to cut loose from some other country, and go it on their own hook, without asking no permission from nobody, excepting maybe God Almighty, then they ought to let everybody know why they done it, so that everybody can see they are not trying to put nothing over on nobody.

All we got to say on this proposition is this: first, me and you is as good as anybody else, and maybe a damn sight better; second, nobody ain't got no right to take away none of our rights; third, every man has got a right to live, to come and go as he pleases, and to have a good time whichever way he likes, so long as he don't interfere with nobody else. That any government that don't give a man them rights ain't worth a damn; also, people ought to choose the kind of government they want themselves, and nobody else ought to have no say in the matter. That whenever any government don't do this, then the people have got a right to give it the bum's rush and put in one that will take care of their interests. Of course, that don't mean having a revolution every day like them South American yellowbellies, or every time some jobholder goes to work and does something he ain't got no business to do. It is better to stand a little graft, etc., than to have revolutions all the time, like them coons, and any man that wasn't a anarchist or one of them I.W.W.'s would say the same. But when things get so bad that a man ain't hardly got no rights at all no more, but you might almost call him a slave, then everybody ought to get together and throw the grafters out, and put in new ones who won't carry on so high and steal so much, and then watch them. This is the proposition the people of these Colonies is up against, and they have got tired of it, and won't stand it no more. The administration of the present King, George III, has been rotten from the start, and when anybody kicked about it he always tried to get away with it by strong-arm work. Here is some of the rough stuff he has pulled:

He vetoed bills in the Legislature that everybody was in favor of, and hardly nobody was against.

He wouldn't allow no law to be passed without it was first put up to him, and then he stuck it in his pocket and let on he forgot about it, and didn't pay no attention to no kicks.

When people went to work and gone to him and asked him to put through a law about this or that, he give them their choice: either they had to shut down the Legislature and let him pass it all by himself, or they couldn't have it at all.

He made the Legislature meet at one-horse tank-towns, so that hardly nobody could get there and most of the leaders would stay home and let him go to work and do things like he wanted.

He give the Legislature the air, and sent the members home every time they stood up to him and give him a call-down or bawled him out.

When a Legislature was busted up he wouldn't allow no new one to be elected, so that there wasn't nobody left to run things, but anybody could walk in and do whatever they pleased.

He tried to scare people outen moving into these States, and made it so hard for a wop or one of these here kikes to get his papers that he would rather stay home and not try it, and then, when he come in, he wouldn't let him have no land, and so he either went home again or never come.

He monkeyed with the courts, and didn't hire enough judges to do the work, and so a person had to wait so long for his case to come up that he got sick of waiting, and went home, and so never got what was coming to him.

He got the judges under his thumb by turning them out when they done anything he didn't like, or by holding up their salaries, so that they had to knuckle down or not get no money.

He made a lot of new jobs, and give them to loafers that nobody knowed nothing about, and the poor people had to pay the bill, whether they could or not.

Without no war going on, he kept an army loafing around the country, no matter how much people kicked about it.

He let the army run things to suit theirself and never paid no attention whatsoever to nobody which didn't wear no uniform.

He let grafters run loose, from God knows where, and give them the say in everything, and let them put over such things as the following:

Making poor people board and lodge a lot of soldiers they ain't got no use for, and don't want to see loafing around.

When the soldiers kill a man, framing it up so that they would get off.

Interfering with business.

Making us pay taxes without asking us whether we thought the things we had to pay taxes for was something that was worth paying taxes for or not.

When a man was arrested and asked for a jury trial, not letting him have no jury trial.

Chasing men out of the country, without being guilty of nothing, and trying them somewheres else for what they done here.

In countries that border on us, he put in bum governments and then tried to spread them out, so that by and by they would take in this country too, or make our own government as bum as they was.

He never paid no attention whatever to the Constitution, but he went to work and repealed laws that everybody was satisfied with and hardly nobody was against, and tried to fix the government so that he could do whatever he pleased.

He busted up the Legislatures and let on he could do all the work better by himself.

Now he washes his hands of us and even goes to work and declares war on us, so we don't owe him nothing, and whatever authority he ever had he ain't got no more.

He has burned down towns, shot down people like dogs, and raised hell against us out on the ocean.

He hired whole regiments of Dutch, etc., to fight us, and told them they could have anything they wanted if they could take it away from us, and sicked these Dutch, etc., on us.

He grabbed our own people when he found them in ships on the ocean, and shoved guns into their hands, and made them fight against us, no matter how much they didn't want to.

He stirred up the Indians, and give them arms and ammunition, and told them to go to it, and they have killed men, women and children, and don't care which.

Every time he has went to work and pulled any of these things, we have went to work and put in a kick, but every time we have went to work and put in a kick he has went to work and did it again. When a man keeps on handing out such rough stuff all the time, all you can say is that he ain't got no class and ain't fitten to have no authority over people who have got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out.

When we complained to the English we didn't get no more satisfaction. Almost every day we give them plenty of warning that the politicians over there was doing things to us that they didn't have no right to do. We kept on reminding them who we was, and what we was doing here, and how we come to come here. We asked them to get us a square deal, and told them that if this thing kept on we'd have to do something about it and maybe they wouldn't like it. But the more we talked, the more they didn't pay no attention to us. Therefore, if they ain't for us they must be agin us, and we are ready to give them the fight of their lives, or to shake hands when it is over.

Therefore be it resolved, That we, the representatives of the people of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, hereby declare as follows: That the United States, which was the United Colonies in former times, is now a free country, and ought to be; that we have throwed out the English King and don't want to have nothing to do with him no more, and are not taking no more English orders no more; and that, being as we are now a free country, we can do anything that free countries can do, especially declare war, make peace, sign treaties, go into business, etc. And we swear on the Bible on this proposition, one and all, and agree to stick to it no matter what happens, whether we win or we lose, and whether we get away with it or get the worst of it, no matter whether we lose all our property by it or even get hung for it.

LIFE CAN BE PRETTY STUPID

2008-07-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

Of course Christie Brinkley tearfully confided all of this to me while I was in Montauk last week, but now that it's all over the news I feel free to comment. Here, according to the New York Daily News, is how her husband was spending his time and his money:

Humiliating details also emerged about how Cook pleasured himself in front of a web cam for broadcast on an adult swinger website, where he was a gold club member. He spent up to $3,000 a month on Internet sex sites, sent e-mails to "19yo slut2" and used logons such as "wannaseeall" and "happyladdie2002."

Now, for one thing, I'd just like to advocate the abolition of the coy mincing term "pleasured himself" and all of its cognates and tenses. Would it destroy the 21st-Century sense of public virtue to say that husband Peter Cook was jerking off, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, beating the meat, pulling the pole, roughing up the suspect, burping the worm, making a map of Hawaii? No, it wouldn't.

The main thing, though, is this. Peter Cook (a Harlequin Romance name, and he's an architect, too) is married to one of the world's notable pieces of ass. Christie Brinkley may be 54, but when she goes shopping in East Hampton she has to put on an ugly mask. Otherwise guys go flying through the air and fasten their teeth in her ass and she has to walk down Main Street dragging five or six of the dudes behind her like a string of largemouth bass, if you can imagine a string of largemouth bass writhing and sobbing and whimpering and weeping and begging and pleading. She tells me this has always happened to her and that it is very annoying.

And was being married to this spectacular Queen of the South Fork enough for Peter Cook? Noooooooooooooooooooo. Not only is he locked up with his computer, ignoring the very ass that has that very day caused such perturbation on Main Street, not only is he making his map of Hawaii with 19yoslut2, he is calling some 18-year-old bimbo on the phone and fucking her in real life.

My heart goes out to Christie. She needs a shoulder to cry on. Who wouldn't, being married to a guy like that? My wife has a conference in Bolivia or someplace at the end of this month, so it will be a good time for me to drive out there.

ARCHER IS ANNOYED

2008-07-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, it really was the the the Hon. David B. Sentelle, Chief Judge of the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit talking, and okay, yeah, he is the very same Judge Sentelle who Reagan appointed to replace Scalia after Scalia ascended to the Supreme Court and yes, he is the same Judge Sentelle who tossed Oliver North's conviction on a technicality* and turned Ken Starr loose on the Clintons and who the Supreme Court just smacked down on habeas corpus--no doubt his right-wing creds are in order. So now everyone is in a big fat tizzy.

And why?

Did the judge pull down his robe in the wrong commode? No.

Did the judge type out the wrong suggestion in a kiddie chatroom? No.

Did the judge get caught with a shopping bag full of hundred-dollar bills and a handwritten valentine from a mobster's wife saying "Thanks for doing what we hired you to do in U.S. v. Antonelli, et.als., 678 F.3d 321, cert. den. 822 U.S. 522, and you can have the second blow job any time"?

Nope. None of the above. These are only my vengeful fantasies.

What the judge did was, he smacked down the President on his whole "We got nothing but tearists at Gitmo, trust me, now shut up and go away" thing. Which was surprising enough. But then the judge did the unthinkable.

HE QUOTED LEWIS CARROLL.

In a written opinion.

How aggravating is this? Someone I can't stand, one of our notable bete noirs over here on the leftward edge of the aisle, and he's not only doing the right thing, he's quoting LEWIS FUCKING CARROLL?

My day is spoiled.

_________________

*A technicality is when the other guy wins.

AND YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS

2008-06-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

This is the Large Hadron Collider. It is located 330 feet underground on the French-Swiss border. It makes subatomic particles go really fast and, like, crash into each other, sort of like a giant pinball machine, if you can imagine a pinball machine where the balls are
.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001" thick.

A bunch of scientists are are going to start up the pinball machine this summer, and play a few rounds of Space Attack and Jupiter Lady and Foto Finish. This will involve accelerating various mesons, muons, and morons to speeds approaching that of light, then making them crash into each other. (It's kind of a guy thing.)

Among those professionally involved in the project, there exists a minority opinion that may be summarized as follows:

Stop.

Stop Now.

Before you destroy the entire world.

The idea is that the Collider will cause the subatomic particles to crash into each other with such force that the collisions may cause mini black holes. Ordinarily, these little buggers are of no concern, since they tend to whiz by at a good clip. The trouble is, if you make mini-black holes under the earth, they might hang around and glom onto each other like bits of bubble bath suds in a tub, growing bigger and bigger until they cause a problem, such as the destruction of the planet.

There are several ways this could come about. If the black hole is small, the planet could be slurped through it and come out really long and skinny. If it's a big black hole--that is, if it sort of tears the fabric of space-time wide open and we go drifting through it--we might not know anything was wrong at all. This is because we'd have no way to compare our present state with the earlier one. You could wake up next to George Clooney or Diane Lane and think, "The thrill is gone."

The most likely scenario, however, if the worst happens, is that we'll simply disappear with a sort of a popping sound and that will be it. Stick your index finger into your mouth, inflate your cheeks, and then flip your finger out of your mouth and you'll get the idea.

Most of the scientists types there say this is all a lot of nonsense. They can't wait to crank up this giant pinball machine. They will start it some time in July. The thing is so huge that it won't be running full speed until September.

That's when the games will begin.

All I have to say on the subject is this:

Somebody better be really handy with the flippers.

OBSERVATION

2008-06-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

"Aeneid" is really, really hard to spell.

SUPREME COURT SAYS GUNZ IS OK!

2008-06-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

So now I'm all rested up, and as soon as I get to the office, good news! I can have a gun! I always wanted one, and now I mean, everybody else is going to be packing their shit, I am definitely not going bareback.

After shopping around and asking some local guys with tattoos and stuff, I've settled on a Glock 17. That's the little baby up there. Ain't she sexy? Any disgruntled law clerk around here goes postal, I am going to take him out.

I think the bullet thing comes out of that pointy end.

Ouddahere

2008-06-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

ARCHER is going to the Hamptons for a week, and you're not.

THE SUPREME COURT'S HABEAS CORPUS DECISION, ILLUSTRATED, PART 2: FURRINERS

2008-06-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

Did the founding fathers love Habeas Corpus so much they would apply it to

FOREIGNERS?

The Majority answers:

Right question: What is the basic nature of the Habeas Writ? It limits government power

and subordinates it to the law

And the law rules whether the King or President seeks to assert his power against an American

or against an Austalian Aborigine

or against J'onn J'onzz from Mars

Even if J'onn J'onnz is ON Mars

or in, say, Guantanamo, it makes no difference--the President's power is always subject to the law. Anyone he detains, anywhere, will thus have recourse to the law-- except in cases of Rebellion or Invasion, as the Constitution says. And if you buy the idea that 9-11 was an invasion, well, we have something else you might be interested in buying:

THE DISSENT

The Chief Justice begs to differ. For one thing, he says, people should know what it is really like, legally speaking, in the Guantanamo prison:

Another point, says Chief Justice Roberts, is this:

Another point is, do you want that to happen again?

Justice Scalia adds the following analysis:

Justice Alito adds:

Coming soon: Griswold v. Connecticut!

THE SUPREME COURT'S RULING ON HABEAS CORPUS, ILLUSTRATED

2008-06-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a King named John:

King John's word was law. If you crossed King John, and you were lucky, you ended up in a dungeon, like this:

You stayed there, too. They forgot about you. You rotted and died there.

This happened a lot. One day it happened to a nobleman (old time talk for Really Rich Person). The nobleman 's friends got together and fought King John and won. They made him sign a document called the Magna Carta.

In particular, Magna Carta said:

No freeman shall be taken or imprisoned or dispossessed, or outlawed, or banished, or in any way destroyed, nor will we go upon him, nor send upon him, except by the legal judgment of his peers or by the law of the land.

From then on, every time John wanted to imprison somebody, or go upon somebody, or send upon somebody, he had to obey the law. That is, John's word was no longer the law. The law was the law. The law ruled! This is one of the nifty ideas of Western man, except for the paperwork.

II.

In practice (this is an actual case! Right in the Supreme Court decision!), it worked like this:

KING. How would you guys like to lend me some money?

4 SUBJECTS: We wouldn't.

KING: How would you guys like to rot in prison instead?

4 SUBJECTS: You can't do that.

This time, though, the prisoners hired a lawyer. The lawyer went to court. The court ordered the King to justify holding the prisoners. The order was written down (that's why it's called a 'writ') and signed. The King responded by showing the court the arrest warrant. In a ringing declaration of the rights of Mankind, the court said:

"Oh. Well! That's different. Never mind."

Parliament was outraged. The House of Commons passed a law that told the King he had to obey the writs. The House of Lords went off to play cards. The prisoners stayed where they were. The principle of law derived from all of this this may be summed up as "Hey, let's not pick a big fight." It is the governing principle of all legislation.

The law Parliament passed--eventually--was designed to avoid fights. In order not to pick a fight with the King, the courts now addressed the writs to the jailer. This was just fine with everybody, including the King. The King didn't want to test his power. He suspected, correctly, that Kings were sort of yesterday's news.

III. THE WRIT COMES TO AMERICA!

The American Constitution provided that America not have a King at all. They took the King's power and ripped it up into three parts and divided the parts among three branches of government and set things up so the three branches would fight with each other forever. Just to further tie up the government's power and stuff a sock in its mouth and wrap its face with strapping tape, the drafters put the Writ of Habeas Corpus right into the main body of the Constitution,

right in the anti-government stuff about no taxation without census and all of that. Here is the language:

The Privilege of the Writ of Habeas Corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in Cases of Rebellion or Invasion the public Safety may require it.

III.

Here are three examples of Presidents who have acted to suspend the Writ.

1.

2.

3.

Next: But what about furrin' tearists?

YET ANOTHER REASON WE OPPOSE GAY MARRIAGE

2008-06-17T03:39:00.000-07:00

It will encourage young gay people to be promiscuous because they will buy each other rings and say "We're engaged" and then have sex even though they haven't even set a date and then they will break up and give each other back the rings but they will have had all this sex.

LEONA HELMSLEY'S DOG MUST DIE

2008-06-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

This is Trouble, the dog belonging to the late and largely unmourned screamer and slapper-around of kitchen help Leona Helmsley. The Screaming Skull, as you'll remember, left Trouble $12 million in her will. She left her grandchildren nothing.

Anyway, a judge just reduced the dog's bequest from $12 million to $2 million. That is not enough. I think the other $2 million should be forfeited to the government, and the dog (whose annual upkeep is $190,000.00 while our veterans get crap care in roach-infested VA hospitals) should be made into a muff.

WHY YOU ARE HOPELESSLY ILLITERATE

2008-06-12T04:47:00.001-07:00

INTRODUCTION

by BORING OLD WHITEGUY

The novel you hold in your hands is surely one of the great masterpieces of literature. I should know, because I have written not a few such great masterpieces of literature myself. And I would not have written them without first having been profoundly inspired and thrilled by the book you hold in your hands.

Take Margate, the main character. (At least some believe he is the main character.) He is boring, but that is part of the atmospheric charm. You think you are being bored, and you may even (epistemological considerations aside) be in fact bored, but unknown to you you are being set up for the entrance of Pat, surely one of the great comic entrances in literature. The scene is so richly comic that when I first read it, at the age of three, I must surely have spat out my oatmeal. Schopenhauer himself, the master humorist, acknowledged his indebtedness to this scene. But surely the scene would not be half so effective--not a quarter, an eighth, a sixteenth so effective--but for the eight chapters that preceded it. The reader with the fortitude to navigate them (and surely it takes fortitude to do so) is surely one of literature's most well-rewarded readers.

For that is surely the essential nature of all great literature. It does not come to the reader. It puts the reader to work, first as a journeyman doing the filing and dumping the wastepaper baskets, then as a bound apprentice, then as a clerk, all the while throwing tedious difficulties in his path by way of improving his character. If, for instance, you yourself feel the difficulty of reading this, surely there is some deficiency in your moral or mental makeup, as I assure you I have been writing great books for many years and know what I am doing. You may even feel some improvement in your character from the task. That is only to be expected. For the test of great literature is its capacity not merely to entertain, but to

THEY'RE MARRIED, OF COURSE...

2008-06-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

...just not to each other.

Have a steamy weekend!

WHERE DID HILLARY AND OBAMA HAVE THEIR SECRET MEETING?

2008-06-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

My first guess was the Trio, 17th and Q Streets near Dupont Circle. The restaurant is strictly neighborhood. I spent my teenage years eating there. (Yeah, there's a big space after the picture. I don't know why. Deal with it.)

Another possibility is the Yen Ching Palace, which is really dark inside and has sort-of-OK moo shoo pork:

But as it turned out, they met here, at Senator Diane Feinstein's house:

The New York Times says the house is in "the Northwest Section." Well, yeah, New York Times, don't you ever get on the fucking Amtrack and go down to D.C.? That's what N.W. after your address means, more or less. If you have N.E., S.E., or S.W. after your address, chances are your house looks more like this:

Feinstein reported that there was no shouting.

YOU MUST BE LOGGED IN TO POST A COMMENT

2008-06-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

Don't have an account? Sign up here. Your REAL name, please. None of that "Seymour Butts" crap. Your REAL address. You pull that "2322 Boogie Woogie Avenue" stuff and we'll hit you. And your social security number and date of birth. There are lots of hackers out there, okay? Oh, and we need an avatar. We screen them so don't pull anything cute. You married? Got kids? Go on, chuck it up. Names, birthdays, socials, schools, when you're out of the house and they're with a cute babysitter who is chewing gum and doing her homework. Do you accept our privacy policy? It's this: We get to use this shit however we want. We can sell it and you will get big time solicitations by email, fax, telephone, text message, and your house will pop up on Google Earth whenever anybody searches for a product you use. Oh, check off the list of products you use. Click here. A confirming email will be sent to you. You must open it and enter the following password: jduwysys6c7c8s7sa63h4n4387s677cf9dc763j298q
8216y32i2920e++++==AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Do not attempt to copy and paste. It must be copied and entered by hand. A second confirming email will then be sent to you. You must email back the password contained in that email. This will create your account. Click on "Yes" if you approve the following: You waive all your so-called rights. You agree that this agreement shall be governed by the laws of Finland. You agree to arbitrate all disputes in Helsinki. You agree that this agreement shall be interpreted with you as a worm and us as a Robin. A BIG Robin. A BIG HUNGRY robin

SENATOR McCAIN'S TUESDAY NIGHT SPEECH IN A NUTSHELL

2008-06-05T03:59:00.001-07:00

"I am not a crock."

AND NOW A WORD FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DRIVE AROUND IN SUVs THE SIZE OF THOSE GIANT ALIEN SPACESHIPS IN "INDEPENDENCE DAY"

2008-06-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

Haw.

TODAY'S POLITICAL INSIGHT

2008-06-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

A commanding alpha male like Barack Obama will never set up a government with someone like Hillary Clinton. Michelle won't let him.

COULD I JUST MAKE AN OBSERVATION?

2008-06-04T04:19:00.000-07:00

Michelle Obama is hot.

FATHER PFLEGER'S RANT WAS FUNNY

2008-05-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and shoot me, all you hand-wringers and fellow Obama fans and feminists (and as to the feminists, fuck you, besides--I do my own fucking ironing so shut up), not to mention all you right-wing zanies spitting out teeth just contemplating what is happening to your so-called values as they shrivel and shriek and crumble in the long-shut-out light of day--Father Pfleger is a scream. In fact, I just stole him. Is this really worth blowing a brain aneurysm about?

JET PROPULSION LAB CALLS MARS PHOTOS "CONFUSING"

2008-05-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

Above, one of the four initial transmissions from the newly-landed NASA Mars lander, the Phoenix. Others include the Virgin Mary, Saddam Hussein's cache of H-bombs, and a bunch of flesh-eating aliens who look just like your beloved grandparents.

IN NEW BID FOR APPALACHIA VOTE, OBAMA SAYS HIS WIFE 'NEEDS A GOOD SMACK'

2008-05-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

STAR CITY, W.VA (May 21)--Apparently stung by suggestions he has a problem relating to white working-class Appalachian voters, Barack Obama visited this tiny West Virginia mountain hamlet today and said he thought his wife Michelle "often needed a good smack to set her straight."

"That goes for certain other women who get a little too big for their britches," Obama said. "You get one of those in the White House and next thing you know it's bye-bye Superbowl Sunday."

Michelle Obama stood next to her husband, nursing what Obama staffers insisted was a black eye, and looking at him with what some observers called an "adoring" expression.

"It's nothing," she told reporters. "I deserved it."

2008-05-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

JOHN McCAIN IN '08

LET'S GET AMERICA MOVING!