CALLING RIVALS "WIMPS," GUILIANI STOMPS PUPPY

NEW YORK (November 5)--Saying that "America faces cruel, murderous, ruthless enemies and needs a leader who is tough enough to stand up to them," Republican presidential candidate and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani stomped a puppy to death last night and then called his Republican rivals "wimps" for attempting to intervene.

"If you aren't tough enough to stomp a puppy then you aren't tough enough to deal with terrorists," Giuliani said. "On 9-11, which as you will recall happened on September 11, 2001, I had to deal with terrorism first hand, and ever since that date, which was September 11, 2001, I have never hesitated to advocate doing the strong things, tough things, the rough things that no Democrat and no female and certainly no female Democrat could ever do, not even if it were 9-11 today."

Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton expressed "dismay" at Mr. Giuliani's actions, saying that before a puppy is stomped to death it should be "at least weaned, like this one." She said that she would not rule out stomping her puppy to death but would "cuddle it for the time being, and scratch it behind the ears, and feed it, and, you know, like that."