ORAL SEX-CANCER CONNECTION CALLED OVERBLOWN

WASHINGTON (August 27)--Senate hearings on the connection between blowjobs and cancer stalled today after bitter accusations that officials from the American Blowjob Institute had perjured themselves.

Brandishing what he called a "smoking gun valentine," Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) said that "this activity is a lethal danger to our society and kills millions of people every day and you think it's funny."

American Blowjob Institute officials countered by offering to let Senator Hatch suck their "big ugly ones, " as one put it, but said the experiment would be faulty "because the Senator spends so much time kissing the President's ass."

Blowjobs account for only 3% of throat and head cancers nationally, an ABI official testified, adding that "you can get cancer sucking on a cigar, too, but it's not as much fun."