MY FRIEND, KARL ROVE

You'd think from reading my left-wing colleagues that Karl Rove was some sort of inhuman creature who hatched from an egg and pupated into a blood-sucking carrier of some fatal disease. In fact he wasn't anything like that at all, once you got to know him. Once you got to know him, Karl Rove was simply a dedicated coach who wanted his team to win. He was kind of like Knute Rockne, if you can imagine Knute Rockne saying "Okay, team, now you're not only gonna win, but deserve the win too. Or maybe you won't deserve the win, but you're still gonna win, even if you have to tear out every scrotum on that field and stuff it in their mothers' mouths and sew up their mothers' mouths and scream 'THAT'S YOUR SON'S SCROTUM, YOU FILTHY OLD CUNT' to do it."

Rove was candid about such things, at least with his trusted inner circle. I myself was part of that trusted inner circle, until Karl Rove had me patted down and found the wire. I'll never forget what he said, either. He said, "Archer, I have always been fair with you and I hope you will be fair with me in giving me back all those tapes, because then I will have you killed rather painlessly."

It was one of those moments a man can't fake, a moment you see what he's really made of. I gave him back the tapes and he tried to have me shot, but I got away.

Anyway, I still have the quotes. Karl loved Knute Rockne and I think he tried to imitate him in as many ways as he could, which is why he still inspires so many. Knute, I mean. Here is some of the Rove stuff I taped.

One man practicing sportsmanship is better than a hundred teaching it. That is why it's important to find that man's date of birth and social. You can find out all kinds of dirt on him that way, and immobilize him.

We play this game fairly and squarely and we expect the same thing from them. Unfortunately they are filthy twisted sex perverts who would rape your newborn baby just to keep you away from the polls, and it's our job to chop off their dicks.

Win or lose, do it fairly. Just remember that I personally don't like losers. I have a problem with losers. A personal problem. If there is any losing around here and I think you are part of it, I will fix it so that for the next fifty years you'll beg to be Amish, so they can shun you.

There's other stuff. You get the picture, though. Karl Rove really was a lot like Knute Rockne. The difference was vision-- a vision that to Karl was so right, so good, so pure, that to honor it you had to be willing (as he often said) to hunt down your opponent's grandma and tie her to her wheelchair and push it down a really long flight of concrete steps.