FUN WITH THE LAW
We do a good job for the client. The insurance company pays. We put the money in our trust account. Our fee comes out of the money. The client won't let us have our fee. His exact words are "Fuck you." This is because he is a Douchebag.
The local Lawyer's Fee Arbitration Committee--which by law has to have a non-lawyer on it--listens to Douchebag yammer on for an hour. They tell him to pay his bill. I send Douchebag a copy of the order. He calls us again and says "Fuck you."
This is frustrating because the money is right there in our own account. Only we're not allowed to touch it. As long as there's a dispute about it, if we take a penny of it, we get disbarred. It's a pretty big bill, so we sue.
*
Douchebag contests the lawsuit. He loses. The judge says the bill is perfectly fair.
Do we get to take the money out of our own account and pay ourselves and give Douchebag his share?
NOOO-O-O!
We have to send Douchebag the judgment. The guy calls when he gets the judgment and says, "Fuck you."
Since the money is in our own bank account, we have to issue papers to the sheriff. The sheriff has to go to our bank and seize our money that we told him to seize even though it's our money. That's the law.
After the sheriff has seized our money that we told him to seize, we have to ask the court's permission to release our money so we can like, have the money. So we file the papers with the court and send copies to Douchebag. That's the law, too.
When Douchebag gets the papers asking the court to let us have back our own money that we made the sheriff seize, he calls us and says "Fuck you." He says we can't have our own money that we made the sheriff take away from us. He says he'll see us in court about it. Then he says "Fuck you" again and hangs up.
On the court date a guy from the firm goes down to argue why the sheriff should give us our money that we gave him. Douchebag doesn't even show up. The judge orders the sheriff to give us back the money that was ours in the first place and is still sitting in our account.
The sheriff takes ten per cent for his fee.
This is actually the only satisfying part, since the sheriff's fees come out of Douchebag's cut. The court clerk does the math and signs the order, which I send to Douchebag, who calls me up and says "Fuck you." He says he wants another hearing. The judge's clerk calls and says Douchebag won't get another hearing.
I send the order to the bank and they send us the checks. We have to re-deposit our check--the one we get to keep. I do this myself. I also mail Douchebag his cut. When I get back there is a message to call Douchebag.
"Fuck you," he says.
I finally lose it.
"Eat shit and die," I scream at him. "Get bent. Suck cock. Fuck your mom."
I exercise lawyerly caution, however, and scream these things several hours later, when I am driving home and my cell phone is off. This is because Rule of Professional Conduct 1.36(b)1(9)(IV)(AAAAAAAAAAA) says I have to treat all persons involved in all proceedings with dignity and courtesy even if they are stupid shit eating pieces of fuck who fuck their moms and suck infected monkey dick. So what actually happens is, I listen to him go on for a while, and when his last "Fuck you" is spent I say:
"Gosh, that's terrible. Do you need a lawyer?"
The local Lawyer's Fee Arbitration Committee--which by law has to have a non-lawyer on it--listens to Douchebag yammer on for an hour. They tell him to pay his bill. I send Douchebag a copy of the order. He calls us again and says "Fuck you."
This is frustrating because the money is right there in our own account. Only we're not allowed to touch it. As long as there's a dispute about it, if we take a penny of it, we get disbarred. It's a pretty big bill, so we sue.
*
Douchebag contests the lawsuit. He loses. The judge says the bill is perfectly fair.
Do we get to take the money out of our own account and pay ourselves and give Douchebag his share?
NOOO-O-O!
We have to send Douchebag the judgment. The guy calls when he gets the judgment and says, "Fuck you."
Since the money is in our own bank account, we have to issue papers to the sheriff. The sheriff has to go to our bank and seize our money that we told him to seize even though it's our money. That's the law.
After the sheriff has seized our money that we told him to seize, we have to ask the court's permission to release our money so we can like, have the money. So we file the papers with the court and send copies to Douchebag. That's the law, too.
When Douchebag gets the papers asking the court to let us have back our own money that we made the sheriff seize, he calls us and says "Fuck you." He says we can't have our own money that we made the sheriff take away from us. He says he'll see us in court about it. Then he says "Fuck you" again and hangs up.
On the court date a guy from the firm goes down to argue why the sheriff should give us our money that we gave him. Douchebag doesn't even show up. The judge orders the sheriff to give us back the money that was ours in the first place and is still sitting in our account.
The sheriff takes ten per cent for his fee.
This is actually the only satisfying part, since the sheriff's fees come out of Douchebag's cut. The court clerk does the math and signs the order, which I send to Douchebag, who calls me up and says "Fuck you." He says he wants another hearing. The judge's clerk calls and says Douchebag won't get another hearing.
I send the order to the bank and they send us the checks. We have to re-deposit our check--the one we get to keep. I do this myself. I also mail Douchebag his cut. When I get back there is a message to call Douchebag.
"Fuck you," he says.
I finally lose it.
"Eat shit and die," I scream at him. "Get bent. Suck cock. Fuck your mom."
I exercise lawyerly caution, however, and scream these things several hours later, when I am driving home and my cell phone is off. This is because Rule of Professional Conduct 1.36(b)1(9)(IV)(AAAAAAAAAAA) says I have to treat all persons involved in all proceedings with dignity and courtesy even if they are stupid shit eating pieces of fuck who fuck their moms and suck infected monkey dick. So what actually happens is, I listen to him go on for a while, and when his last "Fuck you" is spent I say:
"Gosh, that's terrible. Do you need a lawyer?"
posted by archer at 8:48 AM
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