GINGRICH, PREPARING PRESIDENTIAL BID, ADMITS TO FUTURE INDISCRETIONS

LYNCHBURG (March 7)-- Saying that he knows "God's mercy is infinite," former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced that his presidential campaign would include "unspeakable brutalities against tender young boys trembling on the edge of manhood, harvested from local middle schools and Boy Scout troops."

"It's true I have fallen far short of God's standards and my own, and in fact I will not be able to avoid doing so again, probably around midnight tonight," Gingrich said. "But that doesn't make me bad."

Rev. Jerry Falwell, who Gingrich called a "spiritual advisor," agreed.

"God's mercy is unlimited," Falwell explained. "It therefore extends to future acts. So we figured what the hell."